Calm

I have often found times of calm to be uncomfortable, unsettling. So I have spent much of my life in frenetic activity, including work, to keep calm away. Why? Because when there is quiet and calm, I hear old messages from my father condemning me:

You don't measure up.
You made a mistake.
Someone might not like you because you weren't perfect.
People will remember that you messed up.
There is something wrong with you.

Lately I have been trying to experience the calm, to tolerate it, and, even, to accept and enjoy it. It's not easy, but it's getting a little better. The alternative is worse than the calm. Some people thrive on calm. I'd like to get to that place in life, someday. I know I don't have to be perfect while trying.