cold and trip feelings

I've got a cold in my larynx. I'm starting to cough more. I'm thinking of calling the airlines tomorrow to see if I can postpone my flight to visit my parents this weekend and next week. Sunday will be Dad's 91st birthday. Dad doesn't like anyone coughing around him, or blowing their noses. There's so many things he doesn't like.

A couple of nights ago as my wife and I started eating supper I told her that I had just had a session of emotions that felt like the dread of anxiety I get before public speaking, which, if not treated with my little meds, turns into a panic attack. As I explained what I had felt I started crying, a hard cry, like I haven't cried in a long time. I told her I didn't want to visit my parents. I didn't want to have to walk around on pins and needles all the time trying not to upset Dad. Then in that transparent state I switched to childhood and told her it was too much of a burden to bear for a kid, getting treated so badly by Dad. My wife cried with me. I think it was good to cry, cathartic. I think maybe I'm getting the focus of my grief and anger on Dad, where it belongs, rather than on other people who I've dumped on sometimes.

I hate to write these things because I'm afraid some might not understand and will tell me I shouldn't be angry at my father or, after all these many years, shouldn't have a feeling of not wanting to visit them. I hate being condemned by others. I've lived with it all my life, getting blamed for so much by my father and then it was so difficult to accept criticism from others.

I do love Dad, so I have mixed feelings. I want to help him have a happy birthday. But I don't enjoy having to be so careful all the time not to upset him. I would like a freer life, the kind of life I have most of the time with my wife, children, and grandchildren. I like my new life.