to forgive or not to forgive

Last night I had another vivid dream about my father. He must have raged again and abused me. That part wasn't in the dream. But he did come into the dream wanting me to forgive him for what he had done. He would come to me that way at night when I was a child, after he had beaten me during the day. He would ask for forgiveness. I always forgave him. I believed it was the right thing to do. Eventually, though, I understood that he would abuse again, even though he asked for forgiveness and said he would try not to do it again. I resigned myself to his not keeping his promise.

But in my dream last night I didn't forgive him. And I didn't not forgive him. I just struggled with whether or not to forgive him. There were others around in the dream and I told them "He will do it again." When I told my dream to my wife this morning, she said, "I heard you say something like that in your sleep."

The dream ended.

It was only a dream.

I have been forgiving my father all my life. It's a struggle. That's no dream.