Saturday, May 12, 2007


Gray (composed 1993)

Darkness descends,
surrounds, smothers.
Prisoner longs for light.
Day dawns,
but uninvited ugly
night and light
mixed in mind
produces persistent pain
of groggy gray.
My meds have kept my depression pretty well in check lately. But there has been an underlying anxiety which has affected my sleep. Most days I don't wake up as refreshed as I need to be to work well and be safe when driving.

I'm not sure what is beneath the surface. I'm discussed it with a friend who asks good questions. Maybe some of it has to do with how long my wife has been struggling with a debilitating disease. Some of it feels like earlier years when life was not safe--and yet, my life is the safest now that it ever has been. I no longer have work tension. I experience joy, with my wife, and going for walks with her after supper, and visiting our children and grandchildren. It's a beautiful Spring where we live. But underneath it all, I'm still afraid of my father or dread seeing him on our next visit (for their 60th wedding anniversary). Maybe I'm in so much healthier an environment now and am healthier myself that the lifelong anxiety keeps hanging around, like a fog. I'm able to function. And I'm not binging as I so often have on frenetic activity, especially work.

It's not easy to recover. Does it really take a lifetime?


Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

I wonder if recovery takes a lifetime as well. On my really discouraged days, I think, "By the time I get healthy at all, I'll be so old I won't be able to enjoy it." But, I'm glad you're enjoying those walks and the grandchildren, etc. Hang on to those precious moments. Thinking of you.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Sowmya said...


It seems ,You have been conditioned with this kind of fear with your father.I can give you some tips regarding this.

1. Dont avoid seeing your father, instead, Do see your father often.

2. Before ,

you think that you are going to have a nice relationship with your father and neglect the negative feeling which has been conditioned on you for a quite long time.

3. Try to understand you and your feeling as well as the other side feelings about you.Have an empathy and try to justify things what had happened to you. So that you can easily come out of the fear.

4. Try to be in the present, and dont think about the past always.



9:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mi marido y su hermano oyeron a esta gente el hablar en la escalera sobre una madre que abusaba verbalmente de sus niños y que los molestaba muchas veces. localizado en 3316 calle del oeste de carson, en el apartamento 11, torrance 90503. tenga cuidado con las palabras que sale de la boca! piensa primero antes de decir las cosas a nuestros niños, molesta no a sus los ninos! visitante, r.d.

9:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

cómo podemos parar a padres que verbalmente abusan de niños y los tocan del modo en el que los padres no deberían actuar?

cómo podemos ayudar a parar el incesto de niño y la importunidad? ser seguro!

¡al lado a nuestro lugar, liz villanueva el 3-1-1970, sido dijimos a un adicto sexual y mentiroso número uno! ¡proteja!

grupo católico. haga un informe para llamar por teléfono 1-310-563-4679. ¡ayude a los niños! gracias r.j.

11:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i like that solution. ya liz needs theraphy mind and body. protect our kids from perverts and from evil. make the world a safer place for our kids. r.j.626-3374585. parents let's stand together and do what's right.

11:55 AM  

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