Thursday, June 15, 2006

Pacing and progress

Today I set a record for daily work productivity in my job. But unlike other times when I've worked so hard, this time I don't have rundown emotions from overwork. I think maybe I'm learning to pace myself better when I work. This has been a lifelong struggle. I started out working hard as a child and never stopped. Workaholism has been one of my main addictions.

Also, I think I'm making emotional progress in the past month since I started sessions with my new therapist. There's nothing dramatic changed, no dancing in the streets, no lights flashing on and off, no Hallelujah Chorus! But I'm a little more relaxed. I think maybe I'm making a little more progress resisting the old lie that I am defective. When that feeling visits me I try to tell myself that I've already decided that it's not true. I've never understood cognitive restructuring therapy very well, and emotions are such a core part of my being that it's difficult for me to believe that much good can come from "thinking" myself into better attitudes. But I *think* (!?) that a little progress is happening. I suspect that only those of you reading this who have yourselves struggled trying to disbelieve some lie about yourself can really get much out of my stumbling words here.

My wife and I will be on a business trip next week, so I won't have a therapy session. But being on the trip will be therapeutic for me. I'll be with people with whom I have special relationships and where there is mutual appreciation. That's an important thing to me. I got very little affirmation when I was growing up, at least not from my father from whom I desperately needed it. But I'm grieving the loss and moving forward. Not to move forward now would to stagnate and I don't want that. I've tasted a little bit of freedom and I want more.

I know there will be setbacks and times when it will feeling like I have reverted to old negative ways of thinking about myself. But I want to keep progressing. I need to. If you're reading this and thinking supportive thoughts for me, thank you very much.


Anonymous Susan said...

Wishing you much success through the trials ahead.

Its great to see someone become a survivor instead of a victim.

4:40 AM  
Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

This issue has been a struggle for me as well. I was responsible for all the family dishes by age seven. I started babysitting and cleaning other people's homes at age 11. I had my first "real" job at age 15. I used to always push myself until I dropped! Now I'm getting better at pacing myself, too. Hey, thanks again for participating in the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I'm glad you're part of it.

9:12 AM  

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