Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Tic talk

I've been in a slump this week. Last week I mentioned to my therapist that all my life I've experienced something like mental tics. These are intrusive thoughts which have often led to physical or mental "tics", distracting patterns which are uncomfortable. I remember going through cycles of these tics when I was a child. The tic would cause me to walk in an odd way or do something else that was odd. I would keep doing this until someone, often my parents, observed my action and commented on it. Of course I was embarrassed and I would make an effort to stop that particular tic. After awhile I would substitute some other tic. My therapist agreed with my suggestion that this might be a kind of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) behavior. Since last week's therapy session I've been focusing more on these tics. They consume a lot of mental, emotional, and psychic energy. My therapist told me OCD is hereditary and that makes sense, since my father has had longterm OCD behaviors, such as counting aloud to five as he checks five times whether or not he has locked the door to the house. I used to make fun of his behavior. Last week I choked up as I told my therapist about it and had compassion for my father.

I need to talk to my therapist about this topic again in our session tomorrow. My physical and emotional energy has been down as I have been bringing to the surface this OCD stuff which I have tried to keep hidden from others all my life.


Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

This is brave, courageous work you are doing. I wish you all the best with it.

1:09 PM  
Blogger Lynne said...

as a fellow abuse sufferer I know better than to "compare notes" we all have our own ways of protecting ourselves, and our own ways of dealing with things. But as i was reading this, it felt very like stuff in my own life which I describe as "zoning out" behaviours. They manifested differently (because OCD isn't my "way") but they were mindless physical behaviours that were a kind of emotional coping mechanism, a kind of built in dissociation from emotional pain by putting my emotional energy into an external behaviour. I'm not explaining this well, but they were very much defence mechanisms. I wish you well on this journey through incredible pain.

8:26 PM  

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