Monday, May 08, 2006

Depression is gray

For the first few days of last week I had the largest elevation in depression in a long time, probably several years, even though I'm maintaining an appropriate level of a good anti-depressant that I've taken for years. It startled me to have some of the old feelings of grunginess and hopelessness return from the old days of really bad depression. There were some events in my life that could have contributed to the increased depression (I have very little, if any, depression most of the time anymore). I had just completed a major phase of a work project and there was a normal letdown from that, with part of me wishing there was more exciting (for me!) discovery to do in that research project. Then my wife left to attend a week of meetings in South America. I knew I would be lonely without her. Midday through the week the depression lifted, which was a relief.

In any case, here's a poem I wrote a number of years ago about how depression has felt for me:


Darkness descends,
surrounds, smothers.
Prisoner longs for light.
Day dawns,
but uninvited ugly
night and light
mixed in mind
produces persistent pain
of groggy gray.